I have always been a firm believer, that experience trumps assumption. Earlier this evening, I was shocked to discover, that a former friend/past lover, had converted to the Gay Porn Industry. . .Initially I pondered, what specifically was the “healthy” or customary reaction to have? When you acquire that someone who once dominated your thoughts, has effectively taken a turn for the worst, are you disappointed, relieved, or unaffected? Former Drug Addict, recent Male Gigolo, and currently Prince of Pornography. . .Yet the memory of what it felt like to be seduced by him @ 14, is what took precedence in my mind! Not to imply that the intimate details of my private life would portray me much better, but instinctively I began to perceive his behavior in the "prophylactic capacity", of what not to do.
Then with increasing irony, my night took a turn, & I was compelled to revise that theory. I received an email, from a Porn company myself, enclosed with the opportunity to audition for a series of upcoming roles, earning up to $30,000 per film. Such convenience, in a time when the prospect of losing my apartment has become a very real possibility, made this offer all the more tempting. However, as I further considered this window, introspectively, I realized that my life wasn’t much different, from that of my friend. The only distinction, is what I've learned over the years to make me decide differently. Believe me when I say, the choice to walk away was not an easy one! But the truth is, this was never a decision about money. It was about choosing my future. When I prance around my home, listening to Mary J, or singing along with Faith Evans, I love knowing that @ 22, my future is yet to be determined; and full of possibility for greatness.
Perhaps as a cautionary tale, I think it’s imperative to recognize that no one consciously chooses a difficult life. I may not be aware of what specifically led to his tragic decline; but I don’t doubt that he wishes things had turned out differently. Truthfully, the easier response is not one of compassion. Most of us in fact, have a tradition of rebuilding our ego, on the misfortune of someone we don’t like. I believe as people, and especially if you consider yourself a person of spiritual beliefs, should at least attempt for compassion. So I will say in departure, that as I pray for him tonight, although absent any judgment, it will be the last time I think of him, in any capacity.