A week of happiness, will lead to a sunday of fresh perspective ~

       It's so interesting how often history repeats itself. When it comes to people, the most predictable element is that they will always return to form. The theory that people can change, is a comforting one, but also an illusion at best. As my "friend", and in respect to our history, I have habitually forgiven you in the past. Despite the over whelming drama you bring, & your irrefutable selfish behavior, you're the 1 person outside my family who has been able to hurt me, & come back absent an apology. NO MORE. This week was wonderful, in more ways than 1. I was happy; and as apparent to my friends, there was even a glow on my person. My understanding is that it likely has everything to do with my recent change in attitude. For the 1st time in ages, I simply don’t give a fuck. Im no longer angry with the bitches who betray me, or the loved ones who don’t exstend themself as much as I do. I simply, don’t give a fuck. I had no idea how liberating it would be, once I let go of the unnecessary B.S. Truth be told, I think your 1 of them. So in respect to my history, I ll forgive you, whether you deserve it or not. However, I so don’t need you around. We're 22, soon to be 23. While I seem to be changing, you seem to remain the same petty Bitch you've become 4 the past 7 years.

I think there comes a certain pt in any relationship, when you have to ask yourself - Is it worth it? Does the past, compensate for what I'm not getting out of this relationship. As a n infamous Single -Diva, I have always proudly lay claim to the fact, that I may be technically "alone", but @least I'm not miserable with some1 else. I don’t see why that concept wouldn’t apply to my supposed "friendships". As a matter of fact, at 22, the only person who should take president in my life is me. I have my 40’s to worry about being alone. Also, there have been so many people who have come in to my life recently, offering support & friendship to match. I don’t have to sweat whether or not I’ll get hurt or spend time implicating boundaries, because they have a history of changing suite & putting men ahead of me. The truth is, you are not the girl I fell in love with as a kid. I thought somewhere along the way, you’d change, but this a choice you made. Unlike some people I know, you’re not the culmination of an unfortunate circumstance you couldn’t prevent. Your misfortune is that you like being a Bitch. I just refused to see it. So long Diva. I think it’s better if I let you go.

Diva Unwelcomed

 It appears the overall theme of my weekend, was encountering ignorance. I'll never understand the level of hatred that exists within some people. Sunday morning, after I received a glowing review from a relative about my Blog, some1 anonymously posted the nastiest, most hateful comment as well. In fact, it was so unpleasant; initially I couldn’t even think of an appropriate response. However, today shadows a different story.  By now I understand, that if it's not 1 thing, it’s another. I can try to remain positive, & spiritually grounded; but the irrefutable truth, is that some folks really need to find god, or some hard form of therapy. Why do you “get off” on fucking with people? I’ve heard of dysfunctional hobbies; but damn! It takes a truly sick individual to plot & think of spiteful things to say. . . it’s not to suggest that we don’t all have an uglier side to us, guilty of imagining unpleasant things. But if you’re sooo bitter; write to me. I’ll try and muster some tasteful response on my Blog; because insulting me on “The Arrival: Memoirs of A Diva”, is certainly NOT acceptable. This is my foundation, Damn it! Attacking me like some uninformed, shyt head does nothing but reflect poorly on you, as well as increase my writing material in the process…You keep that in mind, the next you’re over whelmed with some “positive feedback”.  This message is also reserved for the person who anonymously emailed me on Thursday.  I think we can all agree how cowardly it is that you feel compelled to keep your names & faces hidden. As a Diva, when I have something to say. . .There’s no question who it’s coming from!

Saturday, I dealt with the worst of homophobic car salesmen, in Flatbush Brooklyn. From the moment I stepped through the door, I felt a distasteful vibe that was both cruel & unwelcoming. To confirm my suspicions, I approached the receptionist & asked if she would call someone to assist me. First, she patronized me by saying, “I need to check with your mother 1st. We don’t want any problems here”. I responded with, “Mam, you don’t need to check with my mother about anything. I am 23 years old, I have a Driver’s license, & the gentlemen helping her, didn’t speak so much as a hello, or good afternoon to me.” She then followed up with, “Well, still, that’s how we operate here. But if you want I can get my manager.” I think we can already assume what my immediate response was” What is his name? Because I’d like to speak with him myself…” Fifteen minutes later a gentleman came out to “assist me”. Unfortunately, his attitude was even more insulting then hers. He was dismissive, inattentive & reflected discomfort to be in my presence.

After I collected myself outside, I rejoined Lisa (my mother) & her boyfriend. Concurrently this man was confrontational, but in a more direct way. As the 7 hours we spent in this establishment continued, I think what I found the most hurtful, was that my mother acknowledged the level of disrespect they showed me, said she was sorry, but was still eager to purchase a car from them. This was ironic, considering she recently told me, that my intuition was a gift & something I should follow, because it’s what kept me safe over the years. You can imagine my shock, that as my mother, her intuition didn’t convey sooner, that anyplace so obviously lacking in business integrity, & guilty of such a blatant intolerance, are perhaps not the people to purchase a car from.

What insults me the most, is that this particular form of bigotry was coming from a group, primarily African American. Call me crazy, but as a minority myself, I’m usually extra sensitive & understanding to someone apparently “different”; even when it’s not in a custom I can relate to. I don’t understand people who prejudge or “HATE”; especially if they have a personal familiarity with discrimination. By the will of God, I was born & raised in Harlem; effectively making me well versed with this kind of adversity. It’s a consistent struggle, which after 10 years, has not gotten any easier. But I don’t believe that my person, including my ethnicity, sexual orientation, or personality, is by accident. Despite the adversity it carries consequently, I am a reflection of his divine influence. A weekend of conflict & unpleasentrys does not change that. . .In fact, it reaffirms it.  

Home policy`

       I despise a person with the capability of doing nothing, in the face of great tragedy. Our government & the citizens of this country have admittedly embraced a routine of foreign intolerance, in a post 911 world. This unfortunately, includes our collective opinion on Refugees & granting Asylum. A refugee, by definition, is someone that is forcibly displaced from their home by conflict, or fear of persecution on the basis of race, religion, political opinion, or membership in a particular social group. It is imperative to understand, that they are not the same as impoverished immigrants. In Tanzania, we have an epidemic of Albino Africans being slaughtered daily by Witch Doctors, on the premise that their blood can offer magical powers. Jamaica has a well-earned reputation 4 literally being "the most homophobic place on earth". Having the world’s highest murder rate as well, I'm sure this must pose well for gays. At the top of the list for Asylum Seekers, are Iraq & Afghanistan. I am beyond disappointed, at hearing the tired consensus that we should "take care of our own". 1 of the more beautiful elements of this country, is that none of us are biologically "native to this land". We especially, should have room for tolerance & compassion, above all others. Then they’re some people who make an argument, that fear is a great justification for selfishness. . .They're wrong. Others suggest, that there's a better alternative to fleeing from 1's own country to the US. The simple truth is that these people have nowhere else to go. Most experts agree that if a person is in fear for their life within their country; simply relocating within that country’s borders is unlikely to afford them any protection. For a moment, consider what your survival approach would be. . . How much faith would you have, if some1 could turn a blind eye & offer the platitude of, "I'll pray for you"? It should shock our conscience, that when an individual is facing the probability of a horrifying death, the overall message of our nation’s leaders, remains - "We need to mind our own business". It should scare you, that the people living next door likely support it.

"Insinuate yourself into the mind of an opponent, in order to understand the better solution." - Cecil R. Singleton

I don’t do drugs. Like many of you, I have experimented in the past. But the plain truth is that I simply don’t see the point. Now that being said, have any of you ever firmly considered the benefit, of globally legalizing drugs? I know, initially this theory seems "barbaric". So indulge me for a second. . .I have been around drugs, virtually my entire life. So consequently, I understand the big picture. But briefly imagine, the addicts, who likely wouldn’t need to rob or steal to supplement their uncontrollable habits. Or the Harlem Drug Lords for instance - whom would in effect, be put out of business. Not to mention that you could essentially neutralize gang war, and help prevent the spread of Aids. I have historically spoken against the widespread distribution of narcotics; primarily because of my father’s inability to say no for 30 years, & the effect they have had on the impressionable men in my community. But like any seasoned Diva already knows, sometimes it’s relevant to think outside the box.

The inconvenient truth is that addicts are going to do drugs, whether they're legal or not. But if our government monitored the distribution, you could likely save a lot of casualties. Not to mention, that incarceration doesn’t a cure drug addiction! Rehabilitation is undisputedly 7 X's more effective to treat, what is medically recognized as a "disease" and most certainly, a disability. People need help. But if simple compassion doesn’t persuade you, consider how much it would help repair our economy! The United States government spent an estimated 15 billion dollars on the war on Drugs, in 2010 alone. Call me a radical, but my theory is that you monitor the effect of drugs, by applying laws similar to the ones associated with alcohol, & prescriptions. I may arguably be subversive in my “rhetoric”, but I thought the goal essentially was to save lives. Or does our country’s well-being, take a back seat to the ego of politicians?  

Prince of Pornography

 

 

 I have always been a firm believer, that experience trumps assumption. Earlier this evening, I was shocked to discover, that a former friend/past lover, had converted to the Gay Porn Industry. . .Initially I  pondered, what specifically was the “healthy” or customary reaction to have? When you acquire that someone who once dominated your thoughts, has effectively taken a turn for the worst, are you disappointed, relieved, or unaffected? Former Drug Addict, recent Male Gigolo, and currently Prince of Pornography. . .Yet the memory of what it felt like to be seduced by him @ 14, is what took precedence in my mind! Not to imply that the intimate details of my private life would portray me much better, but instinctively I began to perceive his behavior in the "prophylactic capacity", of what not to do.

Then with increasing irony, my night took a turn, & I was compelled to revise that theory. I received an email, from a Porn company myself, enclosed with the opportunity to audition for a series of upcoming roles, earning up to $30,000 per film. Such convenience, in a time when the prospect of losing my apartment has become a very real possibility, made this offer all the more tempting. However, as I further considered this window, introspectively, I realized that my life wasn’t much different, from that of my friend. The only distinction, is what I've learned over the years to make me decide differently. Believe me when I say, the choice to walk away was not an easy one! But the truth is, this was never a decision about money. It was about choosing my future. When I prance around my home, listening to Mary J, or singing along with Faith Evans, I love knowing that @ 22, my future is yet to be determined; and full of possibility for greatness.

Perhaps as a cautionary tale, I think it’s imperative to recognize that no one consciously chooses a difficult life. I may not be aware of what specifically led to his tragic decline; but I don’t doubt that he wishes things had turned out differently. Truthfully, the easier response is not one of compassion. Most of us in fact, have a tradition of rebuilding our ego, on the misfortune of someone we don’t like. I believe as people, and especially if you consider yourself a person of spiritual beliefs, should at least attempt for compassion. So I will say in departure, that as I pray for him tonight, although absent any judgment, it will be the last time I think of him, in any capacity.

Be advised, there is no pretty picture. But it's one you need to see, all the same!

HIV negative, as of 1/12/2011. . .If you recall, I did an expose in September about the danger of trusting men, who claim to be "non-reactive", in reference to the virus. As is the new, politically correct term for not having it. . .After discovering that there was an epidemic of the infected, systematically spreading the disease in my community; I became fixated on how many men I'd previously trusted, who might have potentially lied to me. I wish I could say that a simple Google search would suffice, to know everything that you need to about the virus, and those misfortunate 2 have it. But my knowledge was endured the difficult way, & none of it was reviled in any article, displayed online.

My recent path to discovery was only prompted, after several lapse in judgments, and an exposure from someone, who neglected to mention their status. . .After my carless encounter, something intuitively told me, that going home & pretending my mistake didn’t happen, would be the worst recourse of action. So I did what needed to be done. Though exhausted, I marched my ass through the ghetto halls of Lincoln Hospital Hospital, and demanded the HIV cocktail. I wish I could relay, that Lincoln Hospital offered a supportive environment, to make up for what they lack in medical care. . .But the truth is, I had to fight to save my life. I don’t mean to use hyperbole, but I am firmly opposed to painting deadly diseases, as a pretty picture.

Months later, I learned, that through the grace of god, my mistake did not result in me catching HIV. More importantly, was the lesson that I learned, and what you need to know, to protect yourself from here on out. . .

For starters, if exposed to HIV within 48 hours, you can take HIV medication, which will dramatically reduce your chances of catching it, by more than 50 %.

Most people aren’t aware, because the prescription cost several thousands of dollars, and absent insurance, the hospital is STILL OBLIGATED to give it to you.

The medication has several side effects on the body, but can save your life.

1 out of every 4 men in Chelsea, Manhattan, are HIV positive.

46% of black gay men in general, are HIV positive.

Several men, who are HIV positive, will not tell you. . .

Some will TRY to infect you.

For $67.95, you can buy a @Home HIV kit, & test your partners before sleeping with them.

For many young gay men, the virus itself is not the only thing contagious. Some have been seduced, & so have embraced the idea of catching it, by consciously deciding to not use a condom, with partners who have it.

HIV is not a bad person’s disease. HIV is an unlucky person’s disease. The virus does not discriminate based on gender, sexual orientation, race/ethnicity, or social economic status.

Get tested   Use Protection   Be Smart ~

A tough truth, is better then No truth. . .

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Statisticly, 46% of Black Gay men are HIV Positive. When I consider the evidence, including the percentage of men who lie, are unemployed, have mother issues, or retain extramarital affairs...the prospect of finding a suitable significant other, seems virtually impossible. This afternoon, following what could've been, a brief, yet fulfilling physical encounter; I started reading an urban erotic tale by J Tremble, called Secrets of A Housewife. Barely 3 chapters in, Im already convinced of 2 things. 1st, men & even some women, simply can not be trusted. 2ndly, if I can be so captivated by the diabolical schemes & extramarital affairs of a novel, perhaps I should say "To Hell with men & relationships in general", lolz. From this pt on, its all about books, and maintaining my looks. I m not dating any1, including the supposed "nice guys". I intend to be wealthy, and highly educated b4 I hit 30. Too much fucking around, is not going to ensure my success. Now, whose with me???? lmao